Jealousy is an inborn trait. It can’t be prevented but can be moderated. Many children react to the coming of a new one in the family by yearning to be a baby again. So they may want the bottle again, may relapse into baby talk and act helpless about doing things for themselves. Parents should be wise enough to humour the baby at these moments. Supposing the child is old enough to undress himself, but now wants the parents to do so, the parents can do so. When the child realises that he is not being denied what he wants, but it is no delight also, he will gradually lose the habit. The older child should be made proud of his maturity and his being skillful, big and strong. At the same time, the parents, once in a while, should point out casually towards the helplessness of the younger child. This will make the child take pride in self as a “grown up” and also he will realize that there are many disadvantages in being a small baby. One of the best ways in which to help the older child get over the pain of having a younger rival is not to make him feel a rival at all. The child should be made to feel that he is not competing in the same league with the baby; he is infact bigger than him. The child should be made to act as if he is no longer a child, but a “third” parent to the younger one. If the older child feels secure and not threatened by the baby, he will shower him with love, teach him new things, give him toys, assist in feeding, bathing and other routine chores of the smaller one, try to protect him from dangers, comfort him etc. The parents should show genuine appreciation of the efforts of the child in caring for the young one. A child always wants to hold the younger baby and kiss and cuddle him. The parents are afraid that the young one may get injured as the older child may drop him. Making them sit on the floor on a rug can eliminate this risk. In these ways the parents can help transform resentful feelings of jealousy into one of co-operation and genuine altruism. Parents should make the child mentally prepared for the arrival of a new baby in advance so that he gets used to the idea gradually. The arrival of the baby should change his life as little as possible. It is tactful to play down the new baby during the first few weeks. Don’t get too excited over it. Don’t talk a lot about it, particularly in front of the older child. Jealousy may take on many different forms and all of them may not be manifest. Most of the parents say that the older one loves the younger one very much. If that were the case, then there wouldn’t be a word like “sibling rivalry and jealousy.” So it is always wise to assume that though there is a lot of love, there is a bit of jealousy, too. The child may be fond of the baby otherwise, but may sulk and feel hurt if others admire the baby and shower it with love and attention, thus not paying any attention to him. Similarly when the parents come home from their work and the first thing they want to see and love is the small baby, the older one is bound to feel resentment and hurt. Rather the parents should first enquire about and love the older one (the younger one anyhow is too small at this stage to understand all this) and only after that turn their attention towards the smaller baby. A child may not show any overt signs of jealousy, but may suddenly, one fine day, not let the younger one touch his toys or things. Sometimes the older one in a fit of rage or jealousy may beat up the younger one or harass him. In these circumstances the parents should be very firm and let the older one know that his browbeating is something they don’t appreciate, just as they won’t appreciate if someone bigger than him browbeats him. At the same time they should reassure the older one that they love him a lot. In fact the older child requires this type of reassurance a lot off and on, again and again. Parents should see to it that they reassure and show their love towards him not once in a while, but as often as possible. Generally speaking, jealousy is stronger before 5 years when the child doesn’t have much of a sociai circle himself and is dependent on and wants the love of his parents. After the age of 6 years, the child starts having peer interaction and his attention is thus diverted. The parents have different feelings for each of their child. Should parents love children equally? This question worries a lot of conscientious parents simply because they don’t love the children equally and therefore feel guilty about it. But this is expecting the impossible. Every child is different and therefore the parent’s feelings for it will also be different. It is the feeling of particular irritation towards one child that makes the parents most guilty, especially if there is no clear reason for it. The parents may try to be constantly considerate to him and to overlook his bad behaviour, yet he may rub them the wrong way often. Good parents care for their children equally and want the best out of life for each of their children and will make necessary sacrifices to do so. Never compare the children amongst themselves. For e.g. saying something like “why can’t you be polite and well mannered like your sister?” is not advisable. The children in the family often fight. Parents should keep out of it until it is harmful to one or the other child. Siding with one child or the other or trying to be judges as to what is fair and what is not, which child is to blame and which is innocent, is counter productive as the child don’t care for these things. They only want to come out victorious and the parents to side them. The children may also quarrel in the hope that the parents will vindicate them and scold the other. It is better to demand an end to the hostility, to refuse to listen to any arguments and explanations, to act uninterested and neutral. Very often parents have to buy identical things for the children, identical in all aspects including colour. This is because the children suspiciously view the other’s toy, and if they find any difference, they clamour for it, thinking that it is a better one. No efforts on the part of the parents will convince them that such is not the case. They simply want the other toy. In these situations, it is not wise to force the older one to partake his toy by the oft-heard reasoning “you are older and hence should be understanding.” True the older one may give it on insistence by the parents, but inside he feels resentment. He thinks that favouritism is going on. One of the ways out is to take them out to the market and let them choose for themselves what they want, so that they can’t very well complain about their own choice! Sometimes children will fight over one toy with both of them wanting it at the same time. They will pull and tug at the toy and may even break it in the process! Or one of them may get slightly injured in the process. For the parents it is a testing time and usually they will take the side of the younger one and urge the older one to give it up, of course with the promise that after some time they will restore it back to him. The older one, believe me, is not satisfied with this. To part the toy to the younger one is a “defeat” for him plus he feels resentment that the parents are always siding with the younger one, which is really the case in 99% instances. Remember that you can “fool” the younger one more easily. You can take him apart and in a conspiratorial tone tell him that you will give him something better. At the same time you can tell the older one that he will give up the toy after some time to the younger one of his own accord. Generosity of such kind i.e. giving up one’s possessions to the younger one should come from within and for this the older child must be made to feel secure and loving first. Forcing a child to share or give up his possessions is not advisable, as the child will chafe at it and resent you and the younger one.

Nice ways to do away with thumb-sucking

Many children are born thumb-suckers. It has been observed in an unborn child too. Some infants have a strong sucking response while others have a less hearty urge. The chances are fifty-fifty that a natural thumb-sucker will quit on his own before he is five years old. There are only two valid reasons to attempt to change the habit of thumb-sucking, one relates to dental concerns & the other is social.

Remember, while you attempt to change the habit, that, it will be a gradual process and never shame your child as you work on it.

Pacify the infant’s sucking reflex: The pacifier could be a bottle with a slow-flowing nipple that can help satisfy her need.Do not give the habit undue attention. It is more likely that the child will drop that habit before she is in her first standard. In any case it is better not to give unnecessary and repeated attention to the habit.

Make the child aware: Have him look at the mirror while sucking his thumb. Suck your own thumb and ask him what he thinks. Point out other children who are sucking their thumbs and ask your child

Give the child an alternative: A less noticeable substitute may satisfy him. A rabbit foot or a small furry stuffed animal (soft toy) to rub may do the trick.

Change the situation, break the association: For very young children, try to reduce the time spent sucking rather than eliminate it altogether. If your child only sucks her thumb while sitting in a particular chair and watching television, do not allow her to sit in that seat.

Place restrictions on where she may suck her thumb: Keep a record for several days of where and when she sucks her thumb. Choose one place or time and tell her that it is no longer acceptable to suck her thumb in that place or at that time. Be sure to choose a place and time when you will be there for several consecutive days.

Eliminate the habit in one place at a time: Begin with a time frame, you are fairly certain that the child can manage easily. The first day the child may earn a thumb print for not sucking his thumb for just a few minutes, while watching television. Gradually increase the length of time required to earn a thumb print.

Apply a natural consequence: Choose a natural consequence to follow it your child does suck her thumb in the unacceptable place. If watching television is chosen, turn off the set for five minutes when she sucks her thumb. After five minutes with no television or thumb sucking she may resume watching.

When your child stops sucking his thumb, touch, hug and give him a lot of love. Positive reinforcement at this time may be helpful. Thumb-sucking usually starts appearing at the age of 3-4 months and may become established by the age of 7-8 months. It is a self-nurturing phenomenon used by the child to seek solace. If you remove the thumb from the child’s mouth it comes out, but pronto it goes back again in his mouth as soon as your attention is diverted.

It appears just like the proverbial dog’s tail that cannot be straightened. Fortunately, this behaviour, though appearing “childish” and “immature” in say a 4-year-old child, tends to decrease by time and “burns out” by 5-6 years, even without any active measures. Reminding him constantly or punishing him doesn’t help much, because it is a means of seeking solace and how can anyone give up something which is soothing and in which he finds mental peace and calm?

Measures like putting chilli on the thumb etc. are of dubious benefit, because the child will wash it off or rub it off somehow. Thumb sucking often appears in solitude and is reduced greatly when the child is actively playing or socially interacting, because then he “forgets” about it. This is because he is now getting solace in the interesting and enjoyable company of others. The only problem is that prolonged thumb-sucking can mal-align the teeth. But since the habit usually dies out by 5-6 years, i.e. when the permanent teeth are appearing, it does not affect their development.

Parents should be reassured that it is a normal part of early childhood behaviour and will resolve spontaneously by the age of 5 years. Parents’ attempt to dissuade the child from this habit only reinforces it. Parents need not be much concerned about it as most of the children are happy going and cheerful, sucks mainly during bedtime and only occasionally during the day. Attention should be focussed on the child and not on the thumb-sucking. Parents should try to divert the attention of the child towards more interesting activities that he enjoys.

And also they should make the child feel wanted and loved by them. Parents can substitute a pacifier for thumb-sucking. This should be done early (at the age of 3-4 months) before the child gets into a firm habit of thumb-sucking. A pacifier is a blind nipple without a hole, attached to a disk that rests against the baby’s mouth. A baby who has mild periods of irritability can often be calmed by the use of a pacifier. There is no side effect of a pacifier, provided it is clean.

The habit of pacifier sucking is not a permanent one and tends to recede by the age of 6 months when the instinct of the child to suck decreases. At this juncture, the child may start “spitting” out the pacifier from his mouth. The pacifier can be tied with a string around the neck so that it rests on the baby’s chest and doesn’t fall on the ground. This is to maintain cleanliness so that dirt and infection don’t enter the child’s stomach. Pacifier use should be discouraged after the age of 10 months.

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