• Feeling of guilt: In many situations, parents may feel guilty regarding child-rearing. Common instances are when the mother is a working woman, the baby has some handicap, the child is an adopted one, there is preference for one child over other etc. Whatever the reason for guilt, it acts as a stumbling block in disciplining the child, as the parents expect too little from the child and too much from themselves.
Or they are vacillating (because of guilt) when the child needs firmness. A child knows when he is getting away with too much naughtiness and is also aware of the limits imposed upon him by the parents. Guilty parents pretend not to notice when the child misbehaves, thus not setting the limits desired. Let the child realize that an occasional angry outburst from their side is normal if he tries to cross the limits imposed. Parents should not feel guilty about their anger and act “conciliatory and softly” towards the child afterwards, because it conveys the impression to the child that the parents have committed some wrong by punishing or scolding him.
• To be firm and friendly: Parents should remember that they can be both firm as well as friendly. If the parents are firm when the situation demands and set consistent limits, the child understands it. Also it is an important part of the training of the child for the future. He learns to distinguish between the desirable and undesirable, and so is reasonable with people socially, as he grows older.
Parents should act and behave like older friends of their child rather than imposing strict and rigid codes of conduct, as is done by some nannies, grandmas’ etc. By acting as friends, the parents share in the fun and play of the child. They also overlook simple, harmless pranks of the child. While, if too strict a discipline is enforced, there will be too many limits set on the child. Most of his actions will be monitored and met with “nos.” The child will chafe at it and want some freedom without anyone keeping an “eagle eye” on him and constantly finding fault with him or criticising him. Don’t give too many warnings or say too many “no’s” to the child. E.g. “Don’t touch the lamp, it will fall down and break”; “Don’t go out, you will get lost” etc.
This doesn’t mean that you should give your child carte blanche and let him do whatever he wishes. Warnings are necessary if there is a danger of some harm and also to set limits on the child’s unwanted behaviour. But some parents go on saying “no” to practically all things; “don’t do this, don’t do that” etc. This undermines the self-confidence of the child, who feels that whatever he does is in some way wrong, because his parents are always finding fault with him and telling him not to do this, not to do that etc.
In rearing children, parents undertake an often tiring and frustrating task. The major difficulties in parenting are:
• Physical and emotional exhaustion:
Caring for a child means a lot of effort and hard work. This is partly compensated by the child’s positive reinforcements in the form of joys and smiles. Parental exhaustion decreases their emotional responsiveness towards the child and hence when the parents feel at the end of their tethers, it is always advisable to take some rest and “quality time” out. (Please refer to the chapter on “Parental Concerns and Anxieties.”). Impatience, chafing and disapproval from the parental side are a part and parcel of child rearing.
• Unfulfilled expectations from their child:
Parents may nurture unrealistic fantasies about their child that may be a latent manifestation of their own unmet desire for respect and admiration. Putting it in another way, parents may expect the child to excel and do well in those fields in which they were not successful. Parents have to adjust to the temperament and the limitations of the child and this involves accepting and reconciling to the loss of the “fantasy” child that was hoped for but did not materialize. Ultimately parents should accept the child as it is, with all his goodness as well as shortcomings, without feeling frustration and dejection that the child is not one of their “dreams.